How to Have a Good Relationship With Your Children While Setting Boundaries in Parenting

"A child needs a good enough parent, not a perfect one." Donald Winnicott

What is responsive parenting and why does it change the rules of the game?

Responsive parenting is an approach to raising children that emphasises sensitive responsiveness to the child's needs, building a secure relationship between parent and child, and respecting emotions.

Responsive parenting is parenting in which the parent perceives the child's behaviour as a form of communication and tries to understand what lies behind it. Behind a child's behaviour may be unmet needs such as:

• hunger or thirst,
• lack of sleep,
• absence of contact or attention,
• overstimulation

The parent then responds to the child's behaviour in a way that supports the child's sense of safety and trust.

Many of us grew up in a different relational dynamic with our parents. Relationships were often asymmetrical, parental authority was characterised by a directive approach, and the emphasis in parenting was placed on obedience. Responsive parenting focuses above all on the relationship with the child, because a strong relationship leads to natural cooperation from the child.

Another important area is emotions. Rather than suppressing them, as was common in traditional parenting, emotions are viewed as an important signal. The child learns to work with their own inner experience and, during upbringing, learns to regulate their emotions – first through the parent, who perceives and gently names them. Through the parent, the child begins to discover their own emotional world.

A child's emotions invite the parent to examine their own reactions, triggers, and patterns from childhood – and this requires greater patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to reconsider the parenting strategies of their own parents. Most of us did not experience this approach in childhood, and we learn responsive parenting through our own experience as parents.

Basic pillars: how to have a good relationship with your children on a daily basis?

According to Siegel & Bryson (2014), responsive parenting rests on several pillars:

• Relationship first, then guidance ("connection before correction") – children learn when they feel safe. First name the emotion, and only once the child has calmed down, address their behaviour.
• Name what is happening ("name it to tame it") – when a child names an emotion, they are better able to manage it. For example: "You're angry because we're leaving the playground."
• Be a safe harbour for your child – a child needs an available parent, not a perfect one. When setting boundaries, remain calm. For example: "You can be angry, but you won't kick the furniture."
• Gentle boundary setting – responsive parenting sets boundaries lovingly but firmly. For example: "I understand you want to watch cartoons, but it's time to go to sleep."
• Notice your own emotions and reactions – a child's behaviour, most often crossing a set boundary, triggers thoughts in us connected to our own childhood and upbringing. When a child crosses a boundary, it can provoke in the parent a sense of losing control, frustration, and tension linked to learned patterns and expectations of how a child "should behave."

Boundaries as an expression of love: how to set boundaries in parenting without shouting?

When we think of boundaries as an expression of love, it is more about the parent's inner attitude than about rules. Without boundaries, a child would be left alone with their impulses – with an energy they cannot carry on their own.

When a parent is overly permissive and the child does as they please, the child has no support in the parent. In such a case, this is not freedom for the child – it is uncertainty. However, when a parent sets a boundary – even when the child cries and dislikes it – they create a sense of safety. The child feels that they are not alone and that the parent is guiding them.

The parent remains inwardly firm and consistent, yet continues to be loving. The child is allowed to express their dissatisfaction. The parent is able to hold their own emotions and helps the child with their experience – they do not shout at the child to stop crying, they do not vent their fear and frustration onto the child, but instead become aware of their own experience and are able to respond to the child with a gentle word.

Clear rules vs. an authoritarian approach

With clear rules, the parent sees boundaries as a way of helping the child navigate the world. Rules are understandable, consistent, and carry a certain stability that allows the child to know what to expect. At the same time, the parent remains in contact with the child's inner experience – aware that the child may not agree with the rule, may feel anger or frustration, and does not take these emotions as a threat to their authority. Rather, they perceive them as a natural part of learning. In this environment, the child learns not only what is and is not allowed, but also how to manage their own emotions within these boundaries.

With an authoritarian approach, the emphasis shifts from understanding to obedience. The parent may experience the child's resistance or emotions as something that must be quickly stopped, because it disrupts order or their position. The child then learns that what matters is adapting to external pressure.

From a developmental perspective, this difference is fundamental. In an environment of clear rules, inner regulation gradually develops – the child acquires the ability to understand reasons, delay impulses, and take responsibility for their behaviour. In an authoritarian environment, behaviour may be modified more quickly, but often remains dependent on external control.

Consistency and warmth as the key to success

Consistency gives the child clear boundaries and predictability. Through it, the child knows what applies and what is expected of them. Warmth, at the same time, ensures that the child feels accepted and safe, even when experiencing frustration or disagreement.

If consistency is present without warmth, parenting can feel harsh and the child is more likely to comply out of fear. If there is only warmth without consistency, a clear framework is missing and the child may feel uncertain. The key is their combination. In practice, this means the parent remains firm in the boundaries while staying connected to the child. It is precisely in this combination that the child learns not only to follow rules, but to understand them and gradually develop their own self-regulation.

Emotional storms: how to handle a child's anger with composure?

Handling your child's anger or frustration with composure means that the parent first regulates and calms themselves. If they allow themselves to be drawn into the anger, the emotions only multiply. A calm presence, on the other hand, helps the child gradually settle.

It is important to acknowledge the emotion ("I can see you're angry"), while also maintaining the boundary if needed. The child thus gains the experience that their feelings are accepted, but their behaviour has its limits. They gradually learn that anger can be managed without losing a sense of safety. Each such situation becomes an opportunity not only for managing an emotion, but also for strengthening the relationship between parent and child.

The technique of validating feelings

• Notice what lies behind the child's behaviour – rather than rushing to evaluate, try to sense what the child is feeling and what they need right now. A child's behaviour is often just the "visible part," beneath which anger, sadness, tiredness, or frustration is most commonly hiding.
• Name the emotion calmly and simply – help the child put words to what they are experiencing: "I can see you're angry." or "It seems like it really disappointed you that we have to go home."
• Acknowledge your child's experience without judgment – show that their emotion makes sense: "I understand that made you angry." This does not mean agreeing with the behaviour, but respecting their inner experience.
• Do not minimise or deny the emotion – avoid phrases like "it's nothing" or "that's no reason to be angry." For the child, their emotion is real and intense – they need to be seen with their experience.
• Stay calmly present – sometimes it is not necessary to resolve the situation immediately. It is enough to be with the child, create a safe space, and allow the current emotion to "settle."
• Maintain the boundary if needed – validation does not mean allowing everything: "I understand you're angry, but you cannot hit others." You are combining empathy with clear guidance.
• Name the need behind the emotion – help the child understand what was behind it: "You wanted to keep playing and it was hard for you to stop and come home."
• You are supporting the development of emotional regulation – through repeated validation, the child gradually develops emotional regulation – the ability to recognise, name, and manage their own feelings.

Creating a safe space for anger

Creating a safe space for anger means staying present for the child even in situations that are difficult for the parent. A safe space means not rejecting the child in their anger, but also not being drawn into their emotion – being calm and at the same time firm. Allowing them to feel anger, while maintaining boundaries where their behaviour could cause harm to themselves or others.

The child does not experience themselves as "bad," but rather that their emotion is understandable and manageable. A safe space is created precisely by the parent not being frightened by the intensity of the emotion – able to hold the anger without shouting, without shame, without punishment. Through this experience, the parent gives the child the sense that even when they feel chaos inside that they do not yet understand, they can lean on a parent who is present and stable.